Arranged marriages are common and an accepted way of things in India but a total enigma in some countries. It is unimaginable for them to marry someone they do not know or not in love with or someone whom their parents have found for them. Well, although it has been the norm here, it still is not easy for the boy and girl going through the process of ‘seeing’ each other and making a decision for the arranged marriage.  Here we have compiled a few questions to help the boy and girl get to know each other better before arriving at a decision.  

1. Ice breaking

It is advisable to get into a comfort zone before you get talking about the important topics else it will be difficult to either of you to open up and be frank about a lot of things. Therefore begin by asking a few light questions about each other – Ask about each other’s hobbies and interests. You don’t need to have common interests to have a good marriage.  You just need to be accepting of each other’s interests.

You could ask:

• What are your interests? Do you like traveling, reading, music, cooking etc.
• Anything that you are passionate about?

2. Are you ready for marriage and if yes, why?

It is better to be clear from the start if both are interested in marriage or being pressurized. Reasons for getting married should not be making the family happy or that you like the looks of the other person. For a good marriage, it is important that there is mutual respect and compatibility.  You should be able to live cordially with each other even 15 years hence. It is the basic quality of the person that is relevant and not the looks. Qualities like compassion, kindness, and sincerity are things to look out for in a person.

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3. Ask about each other’s goals and priorities

You should know about each other’s long-term goals whether they are career goals, family oriented, education goals or business ambitions. Take time to listen to each other as shared long-term goals will help you find common ground in working together towards building your future . Listening to the other person also shows that you are interested in knowing more about him or her and this encourages the free flow of thoughts.

You could ask

• What are your long term goals? Are you interested in charity or an ambitious career?
• What kind of career are you looking at and where do you see yourself in the next 4 years?
• Monetarily, how much do you think is enough?

4. How would you describe yourself? 

Find out about the behavioral aspects. Some personality traits are basic nature of the person.  

You could ask

• Are you willing to compromise in any aspect of life?
• What is your lifestyle like?
• What is the measure of luxury according to you?
• How do you relate with friends? Are you easy going or prefer to be the decision maker among them?
• Would you say you are an emotional person?
• Do you have arguments with friends? How do you sort them out?
• Are you able to take independent decisions?

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5. Understand each other’s relationship with their family

This will give you an idea of how he or she will be with you and your children as a family member. Also, it can help you identify any chances of future conflict with your in-laws. A common issue that arises in Indian families is the conflict between the daughter-in-law and mother in law. It is important to discuss priorities and how changes can come in relationships post the marriage.

6. Discussion on finances

Ask about each other’s current financial situations and future expectations on the same. It is necessary to be very clear and upfront about your financial plans and whether you would like to combine assets.

You could ask:

• What is your preferred investment choice – real estate, the stock market or specify others.
• Are you particular about keeping tabs on your expenditures? What are your spending habits like?
• Do you believe in charity and donation? If yes what percentage of income do you donate and how regularly?
•  Do you have any debts or financial liabilities?

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7. Where do you see yourselves in future as a family?

You need to know each other’s view on future expectations as a family. If the expectations differ by a wide gap then it’s better to reconsider.

You could ask:

• What do you expect from this marriage?
• What do you value most in a family?
• How do you plan to spend your time with your family?

8. Do you want to have children? 

Do not fail to discuss children. Some may never want children and for some, it may be a top priority. Find out the other person's view on having and raising children. Also, this is a good time to be open about any health concerns with regard to having children.

9. What are your career aspirations and priorities?

Some women aspire to work even after marriage while some may prefer not to. Sometimes the man’s family may not want a bride with career ambitions. It is, therefore, necessary to state your ambitions clearly to avoid future conflict of interests.

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10. Be open about your religious inclinations, cultural values, and faith

Most Indians must be aware of the little differences in faith, rituals, and practices irrespective of following the same religion. One cannot ignore the cultural differences and different value systems ingrained in individuals arising due to upbringing and cumulative life experiences.  See if you can agree on a basic idea of both your beliefs and value system and whether they are acceptable to you.

You could ask:

• What religion do you follow?
• What values hold priority for you?
• Are you orthodox or modern in your thinking?
• What faith and religion would you want your children to follow?
• What do you think of living in a joint family/nuclear family? (Whichever is applicable)
• How have you been brought up – pampered, realistic, independent, strictly, disciplined?
• Are you comfortable with sharing?
• What are your opinions on birth control, abortions, and divorce? These topics are often disregarded but have their implications on the marriage. Discuss and listen without judgment.

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11. When your parents had issues or conflicts with each other, how did they solve it? 

It is not just a saying that goes “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  It is true that we inherit a part of our nature from our parents. We tend to behave more like our parents.  Thus, in relationships too, we will most likely emulate their style. This is necessary to identify how the role model has been for your partner and how he or she is likely to be in future. The communication style, problem-solving attitude, and optimistic nature come through when you discuss more about his or her role model.

12. How does he or she express emotion?

Both partners need to understand and be alright with the way the other person express his or her feelings and communicates. It is essential to develop a mode of communicating all emotions without going overboard. Each one must be accepting of the others expression of emotions and thoughts whether it is anger, desire, joy or anxiety. In order to understand if his or her mode of expressing emotions is acceptable to you ask a few questions. It is essential to express feelings in a healthy manner.

You could ask

• Do you get very emotional?
• What is your temper like?
• How do express anger?
• How do you cope with extreme stress?

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13. What do you feel about our respective roles in marriage?

Understand what your partner expects from you before you take the leap.

You could ask:

• Do you believe we need to carry out certain roles in marriage just because of our gender?
• What roles do you expect me to play in the marriage?
• What will be my/your responsibilities towards my/your family and home?

14. What is your medical history?

Good health is essential for a good marriage. Find out about each other’s health conditions and how you maintain yourself.  Some people may not be keen on marrying someone with chronic illness or are concerned about the kind of genes they would be passing on to their children.

You could ask:

• Have you had any surgery?
• Do you have any chronic illness?
• What habits do you have- good or bad- that can affect health?

These are just a few questions that can help you begin the conversation. It is essential to know certain things about your better half before committing for a lifetime as it will save you both a lot of heartache and stress. If ignored in the beginning little differences will only grow into bigger problems, therefore, it is necessary to communicate and talk openly about topics that matter and sort out any differences right from the beginning.